respirations | ― open post.

I almost killed all of us trying to get you out. You were technically dead for like forty seconds, dude. I risked everything and for a while, god, even Bev was pissed at me.

[Ultimately though, when Richie broke down into inconsolable sobs she understood. They all did and when Eddie clung to life in the hospital Richie had stayed much longer than everyone else. All the way through to his physical rehab. He'd never expected to be eating Indian alongside him almost a year later. Even if he wasn't doing much eating right now.]

I didn't want to live in a world without you in it.

❪ there's a silence on eddie's part as he listens. when it came to what happened underneath derry there was a point where his memories fade and black out. he imagines it likely had to do with the forty seconds or so of being legally dead that richie mentions. ❫

I can't pretend to know what you felt at the time or even what it's like to make a decision like that. ❪ as he said, richie risked everything and everyone for him. while he, on the hand, only knew that he could die if it meant saving his friend. was that selfish though? he isn't sure. ❫

But I know that I'm happy now, here, with you.

[What he felt was that it was wrong to leave Eddie among the bodies and bullshit that they knew was under Neibolt. If the situation had been reversed, he'd hope nobody would ever leave him in that hellhole.

So, yeah, the other losers gave him strife and he did take on his own injury trying to save Eddie but it was all worth it in the end. Even more, when he realized that he'd saved him. There's something bittersweet in being able to just chat over dinner with him now like this and a pang of sadness finds its way into his eyes, betraying the forced smile he has on his face.]

Me too. Wouldn't have it any other way.

❪ and the forced smile, in turn, has eddie frowning. if there is one thing that ed knows then it's probably richie's dumb smile and this was definitely not it. taking another bite of rice, eddie stares quietly before sighing and placing his fork down with a hum. ❫

Then why do you look so fucking miserable?

[Wasn't that the truth? Eddie knew him better than he knew himself, but seeing him recover from the mess Myra had left him in had meant everything to him. Just by being around and falling asleep with him like old times it brought the same feelings back up to the surface that he'd had when he'd been in Derry. It's easy to be intimidated by that, knowing Eddie probably wasn't ready for the admission but there's no use lying either.]

It's just uh- I guess I might still really fucking love you.

❪ to be honest there might have been a small part of eddie that knew this. a part of him that might have even hoped for it to still be true and for the mess of feelings that have been floating to the surface since going to back to derry might make some sense.

still, he can't help picking up his fork and nervously shifting his rice around. ❫

And that makes you miserable?

Not miserable.

[Richie's pretty quick to say it, he'd rather have Eddie here than nowhere close. Those feelings only became more and more pronounced as time went on completely overtaking his resolve to keep them buried. Moments, where he'd steal a gentle moment by pushing Eddie's hair back across his head when he slept, were tantamount to his descent into feeling everything he'd tried to leave at home.]

I just, I know how complicated it is. You're just getting back on your feet.

Yeah, no joke. Shit's been rough this past year but I think I've been doing better here. You know here with you.

❪ better, eddie thinks, than he would with anyone else perhaps. besides, he can't deny that there isn't anything still lingering there from everything that came back in derry up until these last few months they've spent together in this place. ❫

I, uh... fuck. I'm just a damn mess though, Rich. I don't know if I could give you what you need.

What? What're you saying?

[Well, he's not sure how it went from Richie's unrequited feelings to Eddie thinking he was somehow less than and incapable of giving him what he needed. He never fucking cared about that, he was just nurturing enough to get Eddie through the worst of it, and his heart pangs something awful at the notion that Eddie still might not feel like he was worth anything significant when he always had been.]

Just that I'm sure I still really fucking love you too but, uh, like you said: shit's complicated. I'm barely hanging on as a basic person some days let alone decent lover material.

❪ he stuffs another mouthful of rice into his mouth, unable to think of anything else to do and needing to do something with his hands. even his gaze drops and he shakes his head sighing. ❫

But I wanna be those things for you. Be able to give you what you deserve.

[Of course, weren't they always on the same page as kids? A huff of laughter escapes Richie's throat, and he cuts apart some of his dumplings with his fork to busy his own hands.]

What I deserve? Don't put me on a pedestal. You remember what I was like, I haven't even really changed. I know how complicated it is, believe me.

Saying you deserve to be happy isn't putting you on a fucking pedestal, Rich. ❪ he says, animated and pointing with his fork now. ❫

Because that's all I want at the end of the day. It's all I ever wanted for you

Always looking after me. Even now. You're just gonna have accept the fact that I'm looking out for you too.

[It's not like either of them were quality boyfriend material, but they understood each other in a way most seasoned relationships couldn't even imagine.]

No shit that I'm looking after you. I've only― ❪ and he sighs, still animated but deflating slightly. ❫ Because, you know, I'm pretty sure I've loved you since we were tweens.

❪ who the fuck says tweens anymore, eds? ❫

I, uh― I'm glad you've got my back though.

You're the only person I've ever loved. Like that, at least. I wanted to tell you when we went back but never got the opportunity.

[If Eddie's deflated Richie's well on his way too. They'd basically just admitted that they loved each other but they were both too cowardly to kiss or admit that it was something they'd even work toward.]

You know it. That's not ever gonna change. I'd do anything for you.

I know you would. ❪ up and to dragging his lifeless body out of a collapsing hellmouth cave putting himself and their friends (their family) in danger. ❫ I wanna be that strong for you too.

❪ eddie swallows, unsure of where to go and so does the only thing that seems to make sense in the moment: he offers richie his hand. ❫

I want to be a lot of things for you.

[Well, so much for dinner his appetite had all but left and he was only halfway through one of his dumplings. Richie had known intimately how much Eddie had meant and so abruptly upon arriving at The Jade that when Eddie had taken the blow he'd fallen into a horrible agonizing depression at his bedside while waiting for Eddie to recover. In those moments, he was sure that Eddie was it for him. His only shot at happiness, and when he went back to Myra it had hurt him so much that he'd sworn off of romance altogether and become bitter and angry in his own solitude.]

What's that mean?

[It's a lot to take in because Eddie was always strong and he was sitting across from him because he'd had the strength to save him from the deadlights when no one else did.

To be a lot of things was too vague for Richie after pouring his heart out, and making it clear how much he'd loved him.

Part of him knows it's not right to hold Eddie to the same expectations he had of himself but it was a slow crawl just to ween himself off of going to bed with two glasses of scotch every night. Eddie came by during another attempt at sobriety and life without the heavyweight of a burden he gave himself. Eddie's return to him gave him the purpose he hadn't had for a long time.]

❪ although it is hard to be put on the spot with that question, eddie feels more awkward to just be sitting here with his hand held out to richie. the question is a good one though because he knows he's being vague, half-hearten answering the question when rich had been so open with him without a second thought.

and, so, he breathes in and swallows lightly. ❫

It means I wanna be someone you'd want to spend your life with. ❪ he says softly but with earnest. ❫ Someone to yell at you when you don't put your dishes in the dishwasher, someone to have dinner with every night. I want to sleep beside you and be happy knowing that I'd never lose you.

Dude. The only time we've slept together is when we fall asleep on the couch like two old fogies after watching Saturday Night Live.

[Richie's sure Eddie has no idea what he's setting himself up for, but he finally sets his fork down, and slides his foot out under the table to meet the side of Eddie's nicely socked feet. Some kind of touch more than what they're sharing to ground him.]

Of course I'd be okay spending my life with you, dude. I'd - That's all I've ever fucking wanted. You yelling at me is like the highlight of my day.

❪ and here is the grand fork gesturing once again as he speaks: ❫ You know what I mean, Rich.

❪ once again, the fork goes down and eddie considers his food with a thoughtful expression. maybe he doesn't know what he's getting into but this is what feels right. richie has always felt like the right choice. ❫

Then I, uh, I wanna try and make it work. Us. If that's what you want.

[Those words, how long he had desperately wanted Eddie to say them- to want him they way he wanted to be with him? Richie had spent so much of his adult life with a hole in his chest that he couldn't explain, a void that only Eddie could fill. As stupid as it was, those words even colored with uncertainty caused a familiar warmth to curl around his chest, Eddie was it for him and he knew that the minute he'd stepped into the Jade of the Orient. All of what he'd ever wanted, everything he'd ever had met in unison that night and so he drank and tried to push it down with shot after shot because Eddie was married and happy and he was miserable and didn't deserve what he'd managed to forget.]

Okay... but dude, we haven't even kissed. Not for- [Jesus, more than a decade. Richie knew how long it had been for himself and his self-control was severely lacking. In another dimension, this same situation was playing in a totally different way and Richie had lept across the table like some Casanova to kiss Eddie hard on the lips. That's not the world he was living in now.] So, how are we gonna do this? Do you want me to take you out or...?

What does kissing have to do with anything? ❪ he asks, clearly confused but ultimately shaking his head as he tries to figure all of this out. eddie's current mindset is something of a mix-up of different memories and his current feelings but richie was at least clear through it all. it's why he can't help staring, chewing on his bottom lip and considering the words with a huff. ❫

How? Well, uh... do you wanna kiss me now?

You just got divorced and I just want to make sure that it's - [Well, something he wanted and not something that came out of some misplaced guilt. Richie realizes, with some aggravation that his cowardice had been eating him alive for the last two decades. It's what prompts him to place a firm kiss on Eddie's mouth, something that pairs nicely with the bite of curry that still lingered on his lips.

Chemistry always kicked in during moments like these, even for a couple of old has-beens. It was the thing that let you know, and for Richie, the sparks still flew like white-hot electricity behind the lids of his eyes.]

❪ he can only raise his brows curiously as richie talks, opening his mouth to perhaps offer something in reassurance but eddie can't even consider his words because richie is suddenly all that he can see and his lips are on his in a firm kiss. for all his talk, he's shockingly still before his brain catches up with the rest of him and he moves to return the kiss.

and, yeah, it's been a long fucking time but a part of him finds it easy to melt back into what they once had and it's hard not to feel like he's sixteen again. it's not hard to feel like this is the way it was always meant to be. ❫

[Richie languishes in the kiss longer than he should, taking the time to map out the shape of his lips and the softness of them like a man spent starving for affection. It's only when his heart starts hammering around in his head that he finds the nerve to pull back, his eyes heavy-lidded with want. It had been some time, and he never stopped thinking about it- dreaming about it, even long before Eddie showed up on his doorstep.]

What now?

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject