respirations | ― open post.

[Those words, how long he had desperately wanted Eddie to say them- to want him they way he wanted to be with him? Richie had spent so much of his adult life with a hole in his chest that he couldn't explain, a void that only Eddie could fill. As stupid as it was, those words even colored with uncertainty caused a familiar warmth to curl around his chest, Eddie was it for him and he knew that the minute he'd stepped into the Jade of the Orient. All of what he'd ever wanted, everything he'd ever had met in unison that night and so he drank and tried to push it down with shot after shot because Eddie was married and happy and he was miserable and didn't deserve what he'd managed to forget.]

Okay... but dude, we haven't even kissed. Not for- [Jesus, more than a decade. Richie knew how long it had been for himself and his self-control was severely lacking. In another dimension, this same situation was playing in a totally different way and Richie had lept across the table like some Casanova to kiss Eddie hard on the lips. That's not the world he was living in now.] So, how are we gonna do this? Do you want me to take you out or...?

What does kissing have to do with anything? ❪ he asks, clearly confused but ultimately shaking his head as he tries to figure all of this out. eddie's current mindset is something of a mix-up of different memories and his current feelings but richie was at least clear through it all. it's why he can't help staring, chewing on his bottom lip and considering the words with a huff. ❫

How? Well, uh... do you wanna kiss me now?

You just got divorced and I just want to make sure that it's - [Well, something he wanted and not something that came out of some misplaced guilt. Richie realizes, with some aggravation that his cowardice had been eating him alive for the last two decades. It's what prompts him to place a firm kiss on Eddie's mouth, something that pairs nicely with the bite of curry that still lingered on his lips.

Chemistry always kicked in during moments like these, even for a couple of old has-beens. It was the thing that let you know, and for Richie, the sparks still flew like white-hot electricity behind the lids of his eyes.]

❪ he can only raise his brows curiously as richie talks, opening his mouth to perhaps offer something in reassurance but eddie can't even consider his words because richie is suddenly all that he can see and his lips are on his in a firm kiss. for all his talk, he's shockingly still before his brain catches up with the rest of him and he moves to return the kiss.

and, yeah, it's been a long fucking time but a part of him finds it easy to melt back into what they once had and it's hard not to feel like he's sixteen again. it's not hard to feel like this is the way it was always meant to be. ❫

[Richie languishes in the kiss longer than he should, taking the time to map out the shape of his lips and the softness of them like a man spent starving for affection. It's only when his heart starts hammering around in his head that he finds the nerve to pull back, his eyes heavy-lidded with want. It had been some time, and he never stopped thinking about it- dreaming about it, even long before Eddie showed up on his doorstep.]

What now?

❪ the noise, a near whine of displeasure, isn't planned when richie pulls back from the kiss but it rumbles up in eddie's throat anyway. his hands are at his friend's waist, balled into fists within the fabric of his shirt and attempting to keep him close.

the question gets a small sigh out of eddie before he shakes his head, resisting the urge to say 'more kissing' and instead chews thoughtfully on his bottom lip. ❫

Can I stay with you tonight? Sleep beside you, I mean.

Eddie, I'm not fourteen anymore.

[It isn't meant how it seems, and it takes Richie a minute to backtrack and realize that it sounded like a rejection. It wasn't, but he was inordinately aware of how different his body was, how much he'd changed in their almost thirty years apart. Enough to be self-conscious about it.]

I'm not the same as I was. Is what I mean. But yeah, of course.

[The tight balled up fists in his shirt pull a smile out of him, when he realizes that they're there and how similar it was to when they'd make out as kids. Richie smooths his hands over the length of Eddie's arms and across one shoulder.]

All I wanted to do the entire time we were back in Derry is fucking kiss you like this.

❪ there's a sound at richie's words that eddie can't help making as, once more, his gaze flickers and his brows raise in confusion. he doesn't immediately take it as a rejection but it helps settle his nerves when rich continues and better explains himself even if it does pull a sigh out of eddie. ❫

Neither am I, you know. ❪ and a hand goes to his chest to linger over the spot where his scarring begun. ❫ But it's not a big deal, Rich. It just means we have a lot of new things to figure out.

❪ he shrugs, smiling faintly and letting richie smooth his hand over the length of his arms to his shoulder with a content sigh. ❫

We have a lot of time to make up for then.

[It's definitely complicated, and it was a learning curve they'd have to navigate carefully. Richie was still messed up from the events in Neibolt, he took the sabbatical from work to get his head on straight and it's been a few months now but he's only just getting back to work.]

Look at you. So optimistic. Pretty sure the last time you saw me I didn't have chest hair and a beer belly.

[Richie picks up his plate and takes it to the kitchen behind them. His place is small enough that he's able to keep the conversation going even while taking care of the leftovers by sticking them in the fridge.]

Well, I hope you know I'm a lady and I don't just fuck whoever decides to sleep with me in my bed for a night. You'll have to keep it in your pants, stud.

Why are you trying so hard to sabotage yourself?

❪ he breathes out a sound through his nose, cutting a glance to richie as he picks up his plate and moves into the kitchen. eddie shifts a little himself, its just enough that he can still keep his eyes on richie. ❫

And, wow, really? I'll do my best to make sure you keep your standards then.

If my honesty is self-sabotaging I don't know what to tell you.

[They bickered back and forth like this all the time, so Richie doesn't actually think anything of it. Cleaning up for the night and arguing over what most people would consider nonsensical, both part of their daily routine.]

I appreciate. It's not every day, a guy is so interested in a lady keeping her dignity.

Why even bring it up in the first place? Do you think I'd actually care about shit like that?

❪ it's not like he's the best definition of a forty-year-old form. he's still small, gangly and just starting to put on some needed weight again. ❫

Oh, please. We both know there isn't any dignity in play here. Besides, I might just be interested in not listening to either of us cry like we both did the first time, okay.

Maybe?? I don't know, just felt like it was worth saying.

[The comment about it being something that wouldn't bother him brings some comfort but he's not that teenager with the knobby knees and razor-sharp elbows anymore. Everything about him had changed and that was cause for some nervousness.]

I'll tell you now like told you, then it was just my allergies. [It absolutely was not his allergies.]

Edited 2020-01-14 06:30 (UTC)

Well it wasn't worth saying. ❪ he says with a huff. ❫ I wouldn't care if you had three nipples or extra toes or some weird shit like that. You're you, Rich.

❪ eddie, in response, can only turn in his chair and shoot a look at that excuse. unable to help rolling his eyes. ❫

What the fuck ever, man. You cried when I first told you I loved you too.

I mean, I don't. Just four eyes and a dirty mouth.

[Eddie was really sticking it to him verbally, he always liked that and it's enough to talk him off his high horse.]

I had something in my eye.

So just everything I already liked before.

( there's a huff as eddie stands and approaching where rich is standing in the kitchen. he reaches out for the other man's elbow, pressing in close (certainly closer than two people who are just "friends" should probably be) and letting his touch linger as he urges rich to look at him. )

It's just us, Rich. You don't have to lie or make jokes about shit. You can be serious with me.

I know that, but how the fuck am I supposed to be serious about this. I've wanted this for-

[Well, forever, but he was scared and he doesn't move away from Eddie like he would have as a kid. He shifts into him instead, hoping for some support and guidance for the things he didn't know how to process.]

I'm worried it's too soon or - y'know too close after the shit with Myra, I don't want to be associated with that shit. I just, it's not like we can just pick up where we left off. I want this to work. Even if it means going slow at the expense of my own dick.

Yeah, well, I don't want you thinking you're some rebound. Or that I'm just saying these things because I'm some lonely fuck.

( not that there wasn't some truth because he was lonely. a bone deep ache since he got his memories of richie back, one that had been present but just not acknowledged until now. )

We'll figure this out, okay? At our own pace.

I must sound like such a sensitive jackass to you right now.

[The fact that Eddie would be joining him in his bed weighed heavily on his chest, but it wasn't a sinking feeling or some building pressure. It was desperation, desire, a call back to how he'd always felt when he was young.]

Okay. Yeah, I know that dude. I know you wouldn't ever hurt me.

[The notion of it sounds stupid, and he regrets the words the moment they leave his mouth they taste bitter on his tongue. Richie reaches out to tangle his fingers in Eddie's something stabilizing and grounding to focus on while he processes everything.]

( he can only shake his head lightly at the words spoken about richie being a "sensitive jackass" because, if anything, rich was being smart. certainly the smarter of the two of them. again, eddie thinks, he probably is coming off like some lonely bastard and nears sighs but the sound of richie's voice is enough to gather his attention and focus it on him again.

yeah, hurting him. the idea of it is enough to cause eddie to shudder lightly. that was the last thing he'd ever want to happen and, near lost in his thoughts, eddie doesn't notice richie moving until their fingers are tangled together. he breathes in slowly, gripping back and tilting his head. )

Yeah, I'm glad. If you want though maybe we should hold off the whole sharing a bed thing? Just keep it to the couch for now.

[That's the thing, Richie didn't have to look too hard or speak very much to be understood by Eddie. Ever since they were kids he wordlessly understood, with little to no effort. Accepted the idiosyncrasies and the quirks that most people turned around and mocked him for.]

We could watch a movie. I mean, it's late but - I heard Ma just dropped on Hulu. I don't know about you but I'd love to see Octavia Spencer kill a bunch of teenagers.

( even decades of being apart from one another, it turned out that it wasn't hard to fall back into what had been the familiar. reading richie, for example, had always been easier for him perhaps because they were similar in that regard. they always understood one another and it was one thing he was grateful seemed to have withstood the tests of time that had been shoved against them. )

I'm off tomorrow so it's fine. I'm game for your crazy horror movies.

( not that eddie thinks he'd ever not want to hang out with richie even if it was just something as simple as watching a movie. it's easy to fall back into familiar patterns like falling asleep on rich's shoulder or with his head in the other's lap. he ultimately tries not to think too hard about it even if, you know, he's already dropped the fact that he was still ridiculously in love. it's harder still when every progression of their relationship reminds him of something from the past, something more and it takes him back to that train of thought that asked if he'd be able to give rich want he needed.

it doesn't help that work for the both of them picks up in the next few months. eddie finally lands a permanent position with a large company and richie has tour dates from one coast to another. they talked on the phone and text as often as they can but it's just... it's just not the same. he realizes it hard one day when, on the phone with richie, he absently says I wish you were home. and let's his true feelings come out for once. he had been so afraid of pushing things too fast but wasn't being honest important? he had spent so much time being dishonest with myra about his feelings and his happiness. he couldn't sit here and lie to rich, not that he thinks he could ever lie to richie.

the day richie is scheduled to come home is a day that eddie has to work late. it's near midnight by the time he gets home, toeing his shoes off and shrugging out of his coat with a heavy sound. still there's a small smile noting richie's things scattered about after this long month. )

Rich?

[It's the simplicity of it at that does him in, faster than admitting his feelings which they both knew were there. Richie would wake up from a bad nightmare and Eddie would just be there, wordlessly, and sit with him without any demands or grief. They fell asleep a tangle of limbs the same way they always had when they were young. When Richie worked himself too hard going over lines, he'd wake up in his bed and not remember how he got there but he knew, deep down, that it was Eddie ushering up in the haze of weariness so that he wouldn't hurt his back or work himself sick.

The same thing remained even with 1200 miles of distance between them. Richie just liked talking to Eddie so he'd send him pictures while he was on tour or stupid texts. Things like memes, or funny bits he'd seen before his slot, just to make Eddie smile.

He hoped it made him smile.

When he was in Florida he sat down with Mike, who seemed to know immediately that something was wrong. They talked, and since Mike was the only one that never left understood immediately and was empathetic about the whole thing. It had been one of the most awkward and profound moments he'd ever had simultaneously. Mike had made a comment then too.

We were always better together. All of us, but especially the two of you. I've never seen anyone more perfect for each other. Sometimes it's like you shared a soul.

Richie, of course, quipped back with something like "These Senior Citizens will make a love guru out of you yet," but he knew it was true. The tour went like it usually did - frantic, lots of light, less sleep, and constant movement. It's not as fantastic as its all chalked up to me.

When he gets home he immediately drops his shit in the living room, toes out of his shoes, and sits back on his chaise in his office to massage his own feet. They ached something awful from the flight and his two weeks of stage shows. He'd half expected Eddie to be home, but he wasn't bothered by him working late. Eddie was always fluttering around like some hyperfocused hummingbird.

Richie's got his thumb pressed into the arch of his foot through the sock when he hears him call out.]

Mhm. Yeah. I'm in here.

( it is always easy to fall into the old simplicity of things. yes, it was never going to be as it had been back when they were kids but did that matter? wasn't it worth learning from what had been and creating something new? he tries to remember that as they work on remembering what had been forgotten in their years apart with eddie and richie both having to learn the new things that had changed in them both.

like richie, eddie had nightmares that would leave him breathless and in a panic at times. yet without words needed, richie would be there to settle him down. he would sit up and wait for him when work ran late. he would text him throughout the day with stupid little reminders and images that would leave eddie unable to help but smile. he'd make dinner, messing up the kitchen and laugh as they'd wash dishes.

and, yeah, he smiled. he couldn't help but smile.

that smile lights up his features when he hears richie's voice and drops his things to head to richie's office. he pauses briefly outside the doorway but finally pushes in with another smile gracing his features. for a quiet moment, he lingers and watches rich before moving forward toward where he lounges. although eddie has another pause in his movements, it doesn't linger long before he leans down to press a warm kiss to the corner of richie's mouth. he keeps close, letting their foreheads press together before he finally speaks: )

How was everything? I missed you.

[It wouldn't surprise him if Eddie kept himself at work late to keep himself preoccupied with work instead of home alone. Richie figured out pretty fast that Eddie did a lot to keep his mind from wandering and he wasn't any different. Two and a half scotches before the show, because his hands would rattle around the longer the silence went on before the curtains came up.

The kiss surprises him because he's still partway through massaging his own feet. When Eddie pulls back there's no hiding the beguiled smile on his face.]

Good. Exhausting. Like usual, but good.

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