respirations | ― open post.

God, that was fucking awful. We were so fucking bad. Too much too soon.

[You don't just go from losing your virginity to athletic sex like that but they'd both been overachievers. The laugh that Richie let out was a little telling. There was no way, Eddie had been even shorter then.]

It's wasn't awful. ❪ he says with a laugh, unable to help himself. ❫ Okay, yeah, it was awful. I think it's the thought that counts? You made it up to me on my birthday.

❪ which had been the sort of stuff they talk about in love songs, at least, eddie had thought so at the time. they'd spent the whole night letting hands explore, kissing like it was oxygen and finally falling asleep curled up together.

it had been good. a lot of the shit they had together had been good. ❫

Your birthday? I'm surprised you remember all that. I thought I was the only one.

[It had been weird going down to the clubhouse with the vivid knowledge that his first-ever blowjob had been in that damn hammock. Not the best blowjob either, but still better than he'd ever had before. The whole trip had been colored by the way he'd felt, the things he thought he'd been the only one of them to recall.]

Honestly, I wasn't sure if it was the fucking clown playing tricks with my head. I didn't want to bring something up and you not know what the fuck I was talking about or you— ❪ or
to have richie be repulsed by the memories that eddie had found himself near drowning in. ❫

I remember a lot though, at least, I think I do. I feel like I remember everything.

Remember when I left. I told you I'd come back for you.

[The frown on his face that followed deepened until it hit his eyes. Part of why he'd been so damn unwilling to let him stay in Neibolt, even at the expense of himself. Richie has a scar across his shoulder too, from pushing through the crevice only to have it collapse. Thankfully, Mike had been there to pull him through the wedged rock. His own injury hadn't been half as bad as Eddie's though and so he never even stuck around to get the stitches out.]

Eddie, I'm sorry. I didn't know I'd forget everything.

Yeah, I remember. You were crying.

❪ he can't help his own frown as he sets his fork down with food, more or less, forgotten about in the moment. there's only a small pause before eddie reaches up to touch the scar on his chest, feeling the raised skin and awkward scarring with a sigh. ❫

You don't have to apologize, Rich. It's not like you left knowing that shit was going to happen.

I almost killed all of us trying to get you out. You were technically dead for like forty seconds, dude. I risked everything and for a while, god, even Bev was pissed at me.

[Ultimately though, when Richie broke down into inconsolable sobs she understood. They all did and when Eddie clung to life in the hospital Richie had stayed much longer than everyone else. All the way through to his physical rehab. He'd never expected to be eating Indian alongside him almost a year later. Even if he wasn't doing much eating right now.]

I didn't want to live in a world without you in it.

❪ there's a silence on eddie's part as he listens. when it came to what happened underneath derry there was a point where his memories fade and black out. he imagines it likely had to do with the forty seconds or so of being legally dead that richie mentions. ❫

I can't pretend to know what you felt at the time or even what it's like to make a decision like that. ❪ as he said, richie risked everything and everyone for him. while he, on the hand, only knew that he could die if it meant saving his friend. was that selfish though? he isn't sure. ❫

But I know that I'm happy now, here, with you.

[What he felt was that it was wrong to leave Eddie among the bodies and bullshit that they knew was under Neibolt. If the situation had been reversed, he'd hope nobody would ever leave him in that hellhole.

So, yeah, the other losers gave him strife and he did take on his own injury trying to save Eddie but it was all worth it in the end. Even more, when he realized that he'd saved him. There's something bittersweet in being able to just chat over dinner with him now like this and a pang of sadness finds its way into his eyes, betraying the forced smile he has on his face.]

Me too. Wouldn't have it any other way.

❪ and the forced smile, in turn, has eddie frowning. if there is one thing that ed knows then it's probably richie's dumb smile and this was definitely not it. taking another bite of rice, eddie stares quietly before sighing and placing his fork down with a hum. ❫

Then why do you look so fucking miserable?

[Wasn't that the truth? Eddie knew him better than he knew himself, but seeing him recover from the mess Myra had left him in had meant everything to him. Just by being around and falling asleep with him like old times it brought the same feelings back up to the surface that he'd had when he'd been in Derry. It's easy to be intimidated by that, knowing Eddie probably wasn't ready for the admission but there's no use lying either.]

It's just uh- I guess I might still really fucking love you.

❪ to be honest there might have been a small part of eddie that knew this. a part of him that might have even hoped for it to still be true and for the mess of feelings that have been floating to the surface since going to back to derry might make some sense.

still, he can't help picking up his fork and nervously shifting his rice around. ❫

And that makes you miserable?

Not miserable.

[Richie's pretty quick to say it, he'd rather have Eddie here than nowhere close. Those feelings only became more and more pronounced as time went on completely overtaking his resolve to keep them buried. Moments, where he'd steal a gentle moment by pushing Eddie's hair back across his head when he slept, were tantamount to his descent into feeling everything he'd tried to leave at home.]

I just, I know how complicated it is. You're just getting back on your feet.

Yeah, no joke. Shit's been rough this past year but I think I've been doing better here. You know here with you.

❪ better, eddie thinks, than he would with anyone else perhaps. besides, he can't deny that there isn't anything still lingering there from everything that came back in derry up until these last few months they've spent together in this place. ❫

I, uh... fuck. I'm just a damn mess though, Rich. I don't know if I could give you what you need.

What? What're you saying?

[Well, he's not sure how it went from Richie's unrequited feelings to Eddie thinking he was somehow less than and incapable of giving him what he needed. He never fucking cared about that, he was just nurturing enough to get Eddie through the worst of it, and his heart pangs something awful at the notion that Eddie still might not feel like he was worth anything significant when he always had been.]

Just that I'm sure I still really fucking love you too but, uh, like you said: shit's complicated. I'm barely hanging on as a basic person some days let alone decent lover material.

❪ he stuffs another mouthful of rice into his mouth, unable to think of anything else to do and needing to do something with his hands. even his gaze drops and he shakes his head sighing. ❫

But I wanna be those things for you. Be able to give you what you deserve.

[Of course, weren't they always on the same page as kids? A huff of laughter escapes Richie's throat, and he cuts apart some of his dumplings with his fork to busy his own hands.]

What I deserve? Don't put me on a pedestal. You remember what I was like, I haven't even really changed. I know how complicated it is, believe me.

Saying you deserve to be happy isn't putting you on a fucking pedestal, Rich. ❪ he says, animated and pointing with his fork now. ❫

Because that's all I want at the end of the day. It's all I ever wanted for you

Always looking after me. Even now. You're just gonna have accept the fact that I'm looking out for you too.

[It's not like either of them were quality boyfriend material, but they understood each other in a way most seasoned relationships couldn't even imagine.]

No shit that I'm looking after you. I've only― ❪ and he sighs, still animated but deflating slightly. ❫ Because, you know, I'm pretty sure I've loved you since we were tweens.

❪ who the fuck says tweens anymore, eds? ❫

I, uh― I'm glad you've got my back though.

You're the only person I've ever loved. Like that, at least. I wanted to tell you when we went back but never got the opportunity.

[If Eddie's deflated Richie's well on his way too. They'd basically just admitted that they loved each other but they were both too cowardly to kiss or admit that it was something they'd even work toward.]

You know it. That's not ever gonna change. I'd do anything for you.

I know you would. ❪ up and to dragging his lifeless body out of a collapsing hellmouth cave putting himself and their friends (their family) in danger. ❫ I wanna be that strong for you too.

❪ eddie swallows, unsure of where to go and so does the only thing that seems to make sense in the moment: he offers richie his hand. ❫

I want to be a lot of things for you.

[Well, so much for dinner his appetite had all but left and he was only halfway through one of his dumplings. Richie had known intimately how much Eddie had meant and so abruptly upon arriving at The Jade that when Eddie had taken the blow he'd fallen into a horrible agonizing depression at his bedside while waiting for Eddie to recover. In those moments, he was sure that Eddie was it for him. His only shot at happiness, and when he went back to Myra it had hurt him so much that he'd sworn off of romance altogether and become bitter and angry in his own solitude.]

What's that mean?

[It's a lot to take in because Eddie was always strong and he was sitting across from him because he'd had the strength to save him from the deadlights when no one else did.

To be a lot of things was too vague for Richie after pouring his heart out, and making it clear how much he'd loved him.

Part of him knows it's not right to hold Eddie to the same expectations he had of himself but it was a slow crawl just to ween himself off of going to bed with two glasses of scotch every night. Eddie came by during another attempt at sobriety and life without the heavyweight of a burden he gave himself. Eddie's return to him gave him the purpose he hadn't had for a long time.]

❪ although it is hard to be put on the spot with that question, eddie feels more awkward to just be sitting here with his hand held out to richie. the question is a good one though because he knows he's being vague, half-hearten answering the question when rich had been so open with him without a second thought.

and, so, he breathes in and swallows lightly. ❫

It means I wanna be someone you'd want to spend your life with. ❪ he says softly but with earnest. ❫ Someone to yell at you when you don't put your dishes in the dishwasher, someone to have dinner with every night. I want to sleep beside you and be happy knowing that I'd never lose you.

Dude. The only time we've slept together is when we fall asleep on the couch like two old fogies after watching Saturday Night Live.

[Richie's sure Eddie has no idea what he's setting himself up for, but he finally sets his fork down, and slides his foot out under the table to meet the side of Eddie's nicely socked feet. Some kind of touch more than what they're sharing to ground him.]

Of course I'd be okay spending my life with you, dude. I'd - That's all I've ever fucking wanted. You yelling at me is like the highlight of my day.

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