respirations | ― open post.

❪ being in derry had stirred a lot of old shit to the surface. things that eddie hadn't thought about in decades, couldn't remember or rather— memories that had been taken from him. bad shit but also a lot of good. a lot of stuff that he should have remembered and things that might have changed the way his life had played out in the long run. memories of laced fingers, foreheads pressed together and slow kisses.

it had all been a lot to take in while dealing with just... everything that had been going on and after being so badly hurt, nothing had ever came of mentioning it or bringing it above the surface.

although eddie had thought it might have been for the best, well, who really knew. ❫

Because it seemed like a good idea at the time?
A lot of things seemed like good ideas
Like spending the last year fighting my wife for a divorce
Coming to LA was a little easier than that though

Also I don't know your address?

[Jesus Fuck, this was really happening. Experience is on Richie's side when it comes to Eddie, enough to know how to read between the lines of something as simple as a text. It's not like Eddie had to say very much at all, if anything to him, growing up. They just had a way with each other, and that still stood, even now after so much time had passed between them.

Memories being torn apart, it all flooded back pretty instantly at the Jade, left Richie awash in what he didn't know he'd forgotten. Afterward, it only got worse and there never seemed to be a good time to tell him- to ask him if he knew, or had the same overwhelming experience.]

I've got you on friend finder.
Just hang tight and I'll be there in 15

[Maybe it's stupid to not just buy a car for her, send an uber over or something but the last thing Richie wants is Eddie in a vulnerable state around someone not equipped to handle it.

He's quick to change from his sweat pants into a pair of jeans and he doesn't bother shifting out of the old t-shirt he had on for bed. A faded concert tour Cure t-shirt with dark tones and bright peeling pastels to match, he always had a habit of hanging onto old memories - even when he didn't know why or what he was compensating for.

True to his word, after slipping into his loafers his mustang is outside of the Denny's Eddie was in and he opens his phone to shoot him another message. This one simple:]

I'm here

Edited 2019-11-13 19:08 (UTC)

Oh, okay
I'll wait for you then

❪ because where else was he going to fucking go? it's not like he had anywhere to go. he left everything aside from a suitcase full of random crap behind in new york and literally ran away here to california. it all sounds like something they might have talked as kids, fitted together side by side in the hammock, talking about their future.

eddie has to shake his head, get himself focused and down what was left of the lackluster diner coffee. fifteen minutes, he said. fifteen and he can't stop looking at his phone the whole time and counting down the minutes until richie's name appears on the screen.

right, okay. he can do this and so with a swallow he gathers his things, heading out to the car. he's a right mess of a human currently: skinny from recovery still and hair unusually out of place with disheveled clothes. ❫

Did you know they sell crepes now? Fucking crepes. They're not half-bad but I also haven't ate in like three days and— ❪ a beat and then a sigh. ❫ Hi Rich. I'm sorry.

Crepes? Were they good?

[It's not like Richie's had much time to sit at a Denny's lately. Everything he ate, he either cooked himself or ordered in. Richie doesn't mind picking up Eddie, on the contrary. It's good to see him, but he hates how skinny he is, and the obvious toll that recovery has clearly taken on him.]

You don't need to apologize. You know I'm always here for you.

[Richie's glad he called, this wasn't the Eddie he left in Maine after a couple of too long hugs and promises that he'd a check-in. Richie pulls back on the street in a way that spoke of experience, but his hands are tight against the steering wheel. He's worried about him.]

Are you okay? I know it might be taboo to ask but I- this is just really not what I expected. You've always been pretty straight-laced.

They were— they were okay, I guess.

❪ eddie replies absently, a bit tiredly and leaning back into the passenger seat with a look forward out the windshield to the nighttime city passing around them. he fiddles absently with the cuff of his jacket and finally, finally looks over at richie. ❫

Yeah, yeah, I know. You guys are all I have.

❪ the question is a good one. one that eddie considers because how on earth does he answer this? he wants to be honest but he also doesn't want to worry rich anymore than he probably already has by doing all of this. ❫

Uh... well, I think so? Better than I have been anyway. It's just been a rough couple of days since I sort of had to get out of New York once everything was finalized and before Myra locked everything down. You know— the usual.

You usually have like five bags all organized alphabetically. I uh- just want to make sure you'll be okay with what's on hand. I'd hate to have to subject you to my clothes.

[It doesn't take long for Richie to get home and it's not extravagant. A three-bedroom place, two bathrooms. The guest room was made up, he didn't get that many guests. Pining for your best friend for more than a decade didn't lend itself to a very active social life.]

Okay. We're good to go. [Richie leans forward and grabs Eddie's bag for him. No way was he gonna let him pull the weight alone. The style is still his, the decorations around the house are musical legends, comedy legends. A distinct sort of grunginess that only Richie could make charming. Especially without a set aesthetic. Just bright colors and earthy tones.

The lights are on, the fan still moving. Richie's laptop is still open over the bar in the center of the living room off the kitchen with papers all around it. Making it clear he'd literally taken off to meet him.]

This is gonna sound weird coming from me, but- can I ask what happened, between you and Myra?

[The implication was clear, that if Eddie didn't want to answer he didn't have to.]

When it came down to it there wasn't a whole lot of things I wanted to start over with.

❪ there wasn't a whole lot of things that were just "his" versus "theirs" and eddie, as it turned out, had to cut all of that out. start fresh, as it were, or something like that. he's sure the therapist had said something like that more than once. it's caught up in thoughts like that, that eddie doesn't realize they've arrived until rich is leaning over to take his bag and he left blinking before blindly following after.

and, yeah, this place certainly does scream richie. it's what he imagines rich's place always looking like when and he finds himself taking everything in with a small look.

once again, he finds himself faced with another good question. ❫

I, uh— going back to Derry changed a lot of shit, you know? I remembered a lot of stuff I forgot from before and it was stuff I shouldn't have ever forgot. Stuff to do with my mom, stuff that reminded me a lot of what I had now with Myra...

❪ and he trails off figuring that rich might see where he was going. might understand without him having to break down into the details. ❫

That'd put a real kink in the romance, yeah.

[Still, seeing how miserable it's made Eddie he takes no joy in it. Doesn't laugh about it like he typically would. Instead, now that they're inside and the door has closed the rest of the world out he pulls Eddie into a firm but a gentle hug.

God, he's skin and bones. Something thrums deep in Richie's chest and he's not sure why but he knows he'd go to the ends of the earth to put him back together again. He won't step over the line, but he lingers too long with his cheek pressed against the soft skin of Eddie's temple before pulling back.]

So, uh- guest room's across the hall from me. It's got a Jack and Jill bathroom. So you'll have your own situation, no reason to wait for anything and help yourself to whatever's in the kitchen to, I mean- mi casa es su casa.

Something like that, yeah.

❪ miserable is definitely a word for it. there's a lot of words for it but eddie is in a place where he doesn't want to think about it anymore than he actually needs to think about it. it's why, in a way, he's almost grateful when richie pulls him into a hug even if the gesture momentary throws him off.

after all, it's been a long year and longer still before that since they've been close like this and eddie can't help the way he lingers with arms awkwardly raised to return the hug. it's... it's nice. it's a feeling he hadn't had in awhile.

but soon enough, rich is pulling away and eddie is rubbing at the back of his neck with a throat clearing cough. ❫

Yeah, uh, just... thanks again, Richie. Really. I've already got a few references out to a couple of places so I hopefully won't take up space for long.

Shut up, dude. You can stay as long as you want to.

[Of course, Richie still had some line work to go over but the elephant in the room was still well and truly there and so, Richie does what any good friend would do. He postpones that in favor of pulling some good scotch out of the cabinet.

He pours a fair amount into two glasses and comes back with the smaller of them offered out to Eddie.]

For what it's worth. I'm glad you came to me and not Bev. Can you imagine? You'd have to deal with her and Ben making moon eyes at each other all night and day.

I guess bachelors go where the bachelors are. Or Florida. I'm glad you picked the better alternative.

Cheers.

❪ there is a silence as eddie simply stares at richie's retreating back. the response only gets a sigh and the sight of him rubbing harder at the back of his neck, it's not something he wants to fight about when the past year had been nothing but fighting with myra.

once rich returns with the two glasses, eddie only raises a brow before taking the one offered with a muted thanks. ❫

I thought about Florida because, you know, Mike is there but I didn't want to throw anything at him when the guy is finally free after dealing with all that shit for three decades. ❪ still, he smiles likely and takes a needed drink with only the smallest shudder. ❫ Yeah, cheers.

[Of course Richie knocks the drink back, like a champ. Back in Derry, when he'd walked in and come face to face with Eddie, a lot of the feelings came rushing up to the surface. Feelings, first. Then memories, and the longer they spent together the more it came back.

By the time they were crawling into the gray water Riche knew things he would've rather forgotten. More than desperate touching, in quiet unseen places, so much more. He remembered sneaking through Eddie's window on a regular basis. Slow-kissing under covers. Richie can remember their first time, Eddie holding a hand over his mouth so that he wouldn't give them away. Mrs. K sleeping in front of the TV downstairs added a sense of danger he didn't know until that moment that he liked. Richie cried afterward, and Eddie didn't say anything- never brought it up again. That colored his feelings, it made him want to lay everything on the line but then- Eddie got hurt, and Richie couldn't look at him without blaming himself.]

Dude, you look like shit. [Sorry, not sorry. He knows Eddie- inside and out, he hasn't been taking care of himself. That much is clear.] You need to treat my best friend better. Jesus.

Florida wouldn't be half as much fun as shacking up with me and you know it. Mike's probably got a lot better bedside manner though. He'd bring you milk and cookies and watch General Hospital with you.

❪ for what it's worth, eddie finishes his drink within two needy shots back of it. breathing out a long sigh as he stares quietly back at richie with what could be considered a frown because, after all, eddie finds himself unable to help but think.

although he doesn't remember everything per say but he does remember the first time that eddie told richie that he loved him. he remembers that quiet evening, rich walking him home and how full the moon had been. he remembers them sitting together in his backyard, summer dying around them and talking wistfully of what it would be like together outside of derry. what it would be like to live together, be together without this constant worry.

eddie only realizes he's staring pointedly at richie's lips when he speaks again and he blinks, weakly. ❫

Thanks, I feel like shit. ❪ he mumbles quietly, holding his glass out. ❫ And I don't watch General Hospital. Can I have another?

[It's a double, and Richie's vaguely impressed with Eddie's aptitude to shoot back such strong shit but he doesn't question him. No, he goes to get the bottle and tops him off. Richie though, set the bottle to the right of them when he's done doing that. It's not like he doesn't want to drink, no, but he ventured way too far too fast into alcohol on a regular basis and he wanted to be there for him.

So many moments had been stolen from them, replaced with pain, with near-death and impossible choices that should have never had to be made. Richie toys with the idea of doing it over, how he might've handled it differently but ultimately it was pointless. Derry bled into his pores like some kind of disease and by the time it was done with him Richie wasn't the same person he'd been before.]

What? More into Grey's Anatomy? I remember- Can't Buy Me Love used to be one of your favorites.

That's a hard pass. I'm not much into dramas had enough of it at home, you know? Besides, we watched a lot of Moonstruck too.

❪ he takes this drink slower because, in truth, he probably shouldn't be drinking at all given his medications. oh, well. two drinks won't kill him and if they do then maybe he wasn't cut out for this shit.

ultimately, he sighs into his drink with an attempt to blot out the memories that threaten to spill over and out. it's not that he doesn't want to remember but he can't think about them right now, not when he's such a fucking mess. the last thing eddie wants is to do something that might end solely in regret or worse.

maybe they can't have what they had before but eddie wants to stay his friend. wants at least one reason to stay close. ❫

[Well, if that was the case Richie's not sure what he can offer but he turns the TV on anyway until he finds the movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry. At least it's mindless laughs and positive humor. That's something he can get behind, seems like something that they both need right now.]

Well, Adam Sandler, it is. I might be reading the room wrong here, but there's no reason to be nervous about being here dude. I'd do this a thousand times over, you took a fucking spike to the chest for me. A real knight in shining armor.

[Richie smiles, and he's glad Eddie ate before coming because he doesn't have anything made yet but he'll start cooking again. Eddie's too thin, and he doesn't like seeing him looking so run down.]

❪ oh, well. now he feels a little bad. here eddie figured that he'd just pass out but then rich turns on the television and he takes in a small breath before finding himself moving to sit. in truth, he's never seen the movie but some mindless laughing might be a good thing... right? because, yeah, maybe he does need it right now.

the statement gets a moment of silence but eddie finally chuckles, shaking his head. ❫

It's not you, Rich. I'm happy that I'm here but just these past few days have been a real shit show. I guess it's just all starting to really fucking hit me.

❪ the movement gets his attention though and he looks back with a tilt of his head, curious. again, he finds himself staring before he can help himself. ❫ Sorry, I guess.

Edited 2019-11-16 19:42 (UTC)

[Richie wouldn't have cared if Eddie went right to bed but he was still playing the situation by ear. Eddie still reads as rattled, and Richie's never been able to ignore the knee-jerk instinct he had to comfort that in him.

He occupies the seat next to him on the sofa easily, and his legs are quite a bit longer than they used to be, his knees bump against his when he pushes his back into the fabric behind him.]

I get it. I mean, I haven't been in your particular situation but I'm not expecting you to start jumping rope or something here - I just want you to know I'm around if you need something, y'know?

Don't apologize for shit that's not your fault. It's not necessary, if anything it's gonna be nice having somebody else here for a change.

❪ with a deep breath, eddie finishes off what is left of his drink and leans back into the couch. rattled, it seems, was a good word but the alcohol was doing wonders to take the edge off of his shaky feelings. well, anyway, up until their knees bump and eds finds himself locking up again. ❫

I told her I was in love with someone else. ❪ he says suddenly without prompt and wishing he hadn't finished his drink so quickly again. ❫ Everything that happened in Derry and everything I fucking remembered, I just couldn't put it into words. I couldn't make it make any real sense of it for anyone outside of us.

❪ he sighs and brushes his hair back slightly. ❫ It seemed easier this way.

Wow, Eddie. There are gentler ways to end a long-term relationship. Not that I'm defending Myra here, because no offense but you made her sound like a huge bitch anyway.

[Richie's not sure how true it is or if it was just his excuse to get out of Dodge. He leans his body to the right so he can lull his head over his shoulder and maintain eye contact with him.]

I would've thrown your ass out too, but that's implying I had no knowledge of Derry of everything we were a part of. Now I'll remember it until the day I die.

I don't know. Maybe? I guess there was better ways but after everything that happened to me? She didn't take shit I said or did seriously because I was sick. Why do you think it's taken a year? I ran every other play that I could think of to bring it up. It was like dealing with my mom again but somehow worse, you know.

❪ he's rambling, he knows but it helps to get all this shit out. for now, he sets his glass down and folds his arms across his waist as his leg bounces nervously. ❫

I don't think there was ever going to be anything gentle about it.

That's her fucking problem. I'm so proud of you- I mean that's a cycle of abuse you broke in what? A matter of months? I told you, you're stronger than you think.

[It's easy to go from cajoling to consoling especially when he can see Eddie is hurting. It lights a flame within him every time. He hates knowing that he ever had to suffer at all, let alone twice and so soon to almost fucking dying.

Richie can't help it, and he reaches up to smooth Eddie's hair on his head, it being in disarray is so unlike him.]

She clearly wasn't taking care of you. [Not like you deserve.]

Or I'm just crazy. It's one of the two.

❪ still, he doesn't lock up or go still when rich touches him to smooth back his hair. if anything, eddie finally seems to relax a little. he even closes his eyes, the nervous bouncing of his leg finally settling down just enough. ❫

Do I look that bad? ❪ saying he looks like shit was probably a compliment. ❫

Why can't it be both? The shit we dealt with- it's enough to make you a little crazy. I know I'm not stable.

[Not that he ever was, Richie visibly settles when Eddie does- bumps his knee into his gently like he used to do all the time when they were kids.]

Not bad. Just not you. I imagine it'll come back to you once you work through this, and I'm here to help.

Who would be stable after that shit? Ben, maybe, with his perfect abs. But yeah, I'm probably sitting in both camps pretty hard at this point.

❪ it's enough to get him chuckling as he bumps knees back with rich, utterly reminded of those times as kids and then again as teens when they'd look for any reason to sneakily touch one another. ❫

Thanks, Rich. I really mean it. I'm glad I got you as a best friend.

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my computer has a bad habit of sending my shit before i'm ready

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