respirations | ― open post.

[ Richie thought he knew what pain was. Rejection and loneliness, the pain of hiding who he really was and playing the "trashmouth" he was always so good at being. Getting what attention he could. It was all various levels of pain, some handled better than others with age. Derry, of course, brought all of these memories and then some back to the surface. There wasn't nearly enough alcohol to deal with any of it.

Especially when that damn red thread came back. As bright and vibrant as ever. It had been like twisting the knife in once again after he had managed to sort of patch that wound. Stan's loss was like another knife had been added to the mix and he just wanted to run away from all of it.

But then Eddie acknowledged the red thread between them, bravely taking that step Richie had been too chickenshit to even all these years later.

They decided to stay. Finish it so they could have some kind of life together afterward instead of forgetting the other again.

And then Richie discovered a pain that he never knew was possible. He finally found his soulmate only for him to be stabbed in front of him, tasting Eddie's blood after it sprayed onto his face. Pain that rain through his own blood, into his limbs and bones once the shock wore off. The red thread seemed to keep fading as they moved Eddie, Rich begging him the whole time to hold on. He couldn't leave them after all this.

He couldn't just leave him.

He barely remembers arriving at the hospital. Just his legs giving out and not able to get off of the floor as Bill and Mike tried to explain what happened. Bev and Ben kept trying to keep him from passing out right there. He remembers keeping his eyes on the red thread as it stretched out, Eddie being wheeled into the OR. He watched it grow faint and then come back through the blood and muck on his broken glasses, his chest throbbing with his heart stuttering and feeling like every breath was too hard to manage.

He doesn't remember being given the sedative. Just that when he woke up, the fear had returned in full force until he was told Eddie was alive. He was in ICU but it was possible he would make a recovery. Weeks passed and he was finally in a room of his own, Richie spending more time there than Eddie's wife. No one had called her. She came on her own and sounded too much like the other's mom, threatening them with lawsuits. Richie clenched his jaw shut and refused to look at her. For once in his life, he kept his mouth shut.

All that mattered was Eds waking up again. If he could just be given that, he'd... let the other shit go. It was a familiar ache that he had to swallow down, once again willing to let that love go if it was easier for the other man. He couldn't just come back and wreck his whole life because they suddenly remembered they were friends. And then some.

The other Losers were out getting lunch to bring back, Bev outside getting a smoke and Eddie's wife - he didn't even bother remembering her name, as petty as it was (and he knew it was) - was back at some hotel. He was sitting on the toilet lid in the bathroom, hands rubbing up and down his face, the exhaustion of so many nights of sleeping in a chair catching up with him more and more. He needed to keep taking these private moments for himself, trying not to break down crying again.

He feels the tug, however, weak, shoulders tensing up as he moves his hands to look at it. He looks at the door and puts his glasses back on before moving back out into the main room. Was he-- ]

Holy shit.

[ He was awake. Fuck. Don't throw up, Tozier. Or cry. But he could already feel the pressure behind his eyes. ]

❪ even the smallest of gestures, like tugging at the thread, feels as if it's zapping all of his energy. despite that, eddie wants to do anything but sleep right now. he doesn't think he can sleep, not until he sees rich and others and knows that they're okay after the fight.

he's so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn't actually realize just where the thread is leading until he hears noise and his whole body jolts. immediately a hand goes to his chest, hissing in pain but he immediately forgets it (or rather tries) in favor of looking at richie when he appears.

his heart monitor picks up, betraying whatever he might try and hide as he looks half-propped up on pillows. the last he really remembers is rich in the deadlights and then... then him covered in blood, his blood. shit. he has to swallow, wonder what he could actually say to make any of this right. if there was any way of making almost dying right. ❫

Richie... ❪ he finally says, weakly. tiredly. his voice barely getting out as he cracks something close to a smile. ❫ You look like shit, Richie.

[ Rich feels his lips tremble before he's forcing out a laugh, blinking away tears he really doesn't want to shed. He should be fucking dehydrated from all the crying he's done in this damn room. ]

Yeah, well, I feel like shit. It's fitting.

[ His own voice sounds rough and he looks even rougher. His hair a mess, more like a seven o'clock shadow on his jaw from not giving two shits about shaving. Even his clothes were a little looser in the weeks he's been coming to the hospital every day.

The dumb fucking clown had just missed Eddie's heart when he stabbed him. Richie was almost dumbfounded to see him awake and talking again after so long.

Guess his bargain was accepted. ]

Do you need something to drink? Some more drugs? A nurse? I'm pretty sure they'll get you high as a kite if you need it, bro.

❪ it hurts, eddie finds, to see richie blinking away tears. hurts almost as much as the hole in his fucking chest. they both look like shit, he imagines because laying in bed (and just how long had it been?) probably hasn't done him any favors whatsoever.

at first, he can only shake his head as he continues his little adventure in sitting up. he could just lift the bed but he's stubborn, especially now and it pointedly ignoring any pain and nausea coming on as a result. ❫

Water, yeah, definitely but I really just wanna sit the fuck up right now. Come on and help.

[ To Rich, seeing Eddie awake and talking to him is one of the best sights he's seen in a long time. But he knows they both probably feel like absolute shit.

He moves over to the side of the bed, fumbling with the control pad, ]

You can move the bed up and down. We made sure they gave you a good fucking bed. Least these Derry assholes can do after you saved them.

[ Technically they all saved them but Eddie's fatal shot helped the beginning of the end happen. ]

Wanted to try— ❪ he begins with a slow breath. ❫ Wanted to try on my own.

❪ but maybe he shouldn't be pushing it especially in front of rich. honestly, it's clear he's been through a lot and the last thing eddie wants is throwing more on his plate and, so, he lets him fumble with the controls and lift the head of the bed.

the mention of 'we' though gets eddie's full attention and he looks over, back to rich with a hard swallow. ❫

Where is everyone? They're all okay, right?

[ Richie pauses enough to look at Eddie, his words soft, ]

It's okay to take it easy, Eds.

[ If anyone had earned it... He goes back to the pad and manages to ease the other man up. But he's nodding at the question, ]

Yeah, yeah. Bev's downstairs--oh shit, I need to tell her.

[ He pulls his phone out, ]

The others went to get lunch because the food here sucks ass and we already broke one of the machines.

[ Said like it was just another day in Derry Hospital. ]

❪ it's the softness of richie's voice that sort of takes the wind out of his sails. after all, eddie doesn't hear it a lot. rich is usually all spitfire and dumb jokes. ❫

Yeah, uh, I guess so.

❪ and, so, he lets the other ease the bed up and allow him the chance to lay back again with a hand at his chest. he can feel the stitching underneath and just how far down it goes with a similar pain tracing down the length of his back.

fuck. shout out to the derry healthcare system for managing to save his dumb ass. ❫

Seriously? ❪ even though he's smiling hearing that everyone was okay. ❫ Do I wanna ask how you guys managed that?

[ He's got plenty of dumb jokes left. He has to to get himself to stop watching Eddie feel the stitches on his chest. Shaking his head, ]

It took our money without giving us Milkyways. It was asking for it.

[ Which wasn't that far from the truth. One after another, they kept losing money and the stress of the situation kinda boiled over. It was pure dumb luck they didn't get caught and thrown out of the building.

He gets Beverly on the phone and tells her Ed is awake and to call the others. After he hangs up, he pockets his phone and gets Eddie some water from the tap in the room. He comes back and holds the cup to where Eddie can drink from it. ]

Easy, okay.

I guess I can see that.

❪ he takes in a slow, deep breath and immediately regrets the movement but finally seems content to stop feeling at the stitching underneath his gown. instead, eddie focuses on richie as he goes about getting in touch with bev and relaying the information to her which causes him to smile slightly.

he wants to see them, god, he wants to see them so badly. almost as badly as he wants to keep rich close. which is why he sighs a little once the other returns with a cup of water, gingerly taking a needed sip. ❫

Rich, I'm gonna be okay. Really.

[ He forces a smile at that, truly relieved but his heart heavy with... a lot of shit. ]

You better. After all that shit... We weren't gonna let that bitch outlive you.

[ He swallows hard, his mind unwillingly going back to the race to get Eddie to the hospital in time. It had taken days for Richie to all the blood from under his nails. ]

Hey, dummy. Come here.

❪ he has to shift a little, switching hands that hold the water so he can reach out and catch richie's wrist to pull him closer. it takes a little adjusting but he manages with some fight to push their foreheads together. he knows it probably isn't much but he hopes it can help rich calm down if only just a little. ❫

You're stuck with me now.

[ He comes closer, letting Eddie pull him in, not having the strength to resist even though he knows he should. He closes his eyes as their foreheads touch, the pressure behind his lids burning. He can feel the thread connected to his hand gently humming, warm. He breathes in harshly through his nose and then out, trying to keep himself from crying again.

He's fucking exhausted and not sure how much longer he can keep it together. ]

Eds...I...

[ They are interrupted not by Bev but one of the nurses, walking in, oblivious to what was going on. ]

Oh, you're awake!

[ Richie jerks away, clearing his throat and rolling his shoulders. She comes closer to look at Eddie's eyes, the pupils in particular, taking out a small flashlight and shining it in one and then the other. ]

How are you feeling, Mr. Kaspbrak? You gave all your friends quite a scare.

[ Another voice comes from the doorway, more familiar, "You can say that again.". Beverly is grinning wide as she comes in, looking as teary-eyed as Rich. ]

❪ he breathes in and lets himself simply enjoy being close to richie again. eddie wants to pull him into the bed like rich did to him days ago back at the inn but all he can do is quietly watch with a careful gaze. carefully, he leans in and lets their noses brush together and breathing catch slightly as—

as they are interrupted.

eddie falls back against the bed with a huff of air as the nurse walks in, approaching his bed and causing him to offer the woman a smile as she goes about her job of checking everything. yet, unable to help it, his gaze continues to flicker to rich as she goes through the motions. ❫

Sore, mostly. I'll be better once I see my friends.

❪ his family, he corrects and smiles at the sound of the familiar voice. he wasn't going to cry but god if he didn't want to thinking about seeing everyone again. ❫

[ Rich remains where he is by the bed, catching Eddie's eye enough to wink at him while the nurse is preoccupied with him. He grins at Bev when she walks into the room and can already hear the others rushing to the room from the elevator. ]

Damn. Where the hell were they?

[ Beverly reaches over to give Eddie's hand a squeeze, "Just around the corner apparently." And then they were there, all greeting Eddie while trying their best not to crowd the poor nurse updating his chart. Richie tries not to let his own smile fall as he sees the nurse, knowing she's most likely going to call Myra about Eddie waking up.

All the more reason to enjoy the reunion while they can. Which is easy to do when everyone is smiling and wiping away their own tears, laughing and making sure Eddie was alright. ]

❪ he tries to ignore the way his face flushes at the stupid wink and, instead, focuses on bev as she walks in and squeezes his hand. eddie's so caught up in just holding her hand and trying reassure her that he's fine now that he doesn't even here the stampede of the other three until he is suddenly surrounded by them from every direction.

the poor nurse seems amused by their antics as eddie just tries to keep up. mike has arms wrapped around his neck, cheek resting atop his head while bill holds one of his arms and ben holds on to the hand that bev already holds. ❫

You've got to all stop crying— ❪ he says suddenly, shaking his head and sniffling. ❫ Because I'm going to start and I'm so tired of fucking crying since coming back to this town.

❪ and then they're laughing and eddie can only wave his one free hand at richie because come on, get in on this mess. finally, the nurse seems to finish and pulls her clipboard to her chest with a sigh. "Would you like us to give your wife a call?" and that alone is enough to nearly knock the air out of his lungs. still, eddie somehow manages not to freak out and answers simply— ❫

I'll do it myself. ❪ because then, at least, he had to time to think. time to enjoy being with richie and his family before he had to literally go into what will quickly become another fight. ❫

[ Richie comes over to take Eddie's hand and gives it a squeeze. ]

Nah, join the club, dude. Crying Losers is our new name, didn't you hear?

[ Which gets another round of laughter. At least until Eddie's wife is mentioned. Richie forces the smile to stay, looking down at the thread glowing between them, brighter than before. His eyes flit over to Bev and Ben's. He can't see their thread but they already shared the news with the rest of them while Eddie was out.

He was happy for them. At least they will have a chance at being happy together. ]

That's not fair. My chest is fucking killing me every time I cry now. ❪ he mutters but still unable to blink away all of the tears pooling in his eyes. he squeezes back at richie's hand and holds on just letting this moment linger for as long as possible.

it's near an hour later when bev mentions about letting him rest and eddie realizes that he's still holding onto rich's hand. slowly, they start filling out with one more hugs with ben and bev leaving together and bill pulling mike along though he shoots rich a glance. ❫

I'm gonna keep him here a little longer. ❪ he says and bill muses before following out with mike. it's only after the door closes that eddie sighs deeply, gaze focused on the doorway. ❫

I meant what I said, you know. I want to be with you, whatever that might mean and when I'm able to leave with this place? I want it to be with you too.

[ Richie knows Bill wants him to go get some sleep outside of the room. They all do. But Rich is also grateful none of the other Losers bring it up in front of Eddie. But he's even less prepared for what Eddie says next.

He looks down at his best friend and then back to the closed doorway, ]

I can't ask you to do that, Eddie.

[ His voice is completely serious and just as tired as before when it was just them in the room. ]

You're not asking me, dummy. ❪ he says with a sigh and a glance back to richie. ❫ This is what I'm telling you that I'm going to do.

❪ he squeezes the other's hand again, tired but serious in his words. ❫

That fucking clown already took my choice away from me once and almost did so permanently this time. I'm not going to live this fucking lie anymore.

[ Richie feels his chest tighten, almost too afraid to hope. ]

Are you sure?

[ Because from the few encounters he's had with Myra, he knows this isn't going to be easy. Not with someone like her. He doesn't want Eddie to be put through the ringer but also, selfishly, he wants his soulmate, dammit. He wants to live their lives together the way they were always supposed to. ]

Yes, Rich. I'm sure.

❪ he's been idly playing with his wedding band this entire short talk but finally pulls the thing off with a sigh, carefully setting it on his bedside table and looking back with something akin to a frown. ❫

Would you believe me if I kissed you?

[ It's a slow creeping blush that heats up his face but a blush nonetheless. ]

W-what.

[ He's no virgin or anything. Not by a long shot. And he's been with more than a few guys but kissing Eddie is still something he hasn't actually done. Not like a Real Kiss.

God, he's so tired his brain feels like it's completely fried by this point. Doesn't help his mind goes from kiss to... other things in a hop skip and jump and it's enough to make his brain stall again like some outdated modem. ]

❪ eddie's sure if he listens hard enough he can hear that outdated modem of a brain dial-tone out. ❫

You really need me to repeat myself? ❪ he asks, almost exasperated but also slightly flying high on whatever that nurse fucking gave him. thank you, drugs. he nudges the other gently, urging him closer as eddie moves to sit up slightly in bed.

carefully, he lets go of the hand he's been holding and moves to brush his hands along richie's face instead. ❫

I'm going to kiss you, okay? ❪ and that's as much as he offers as their noses brush again, lips touching briefly before eddie leans in the rest of the way to capture his lips in a proper kiss. ❫

[ After spending weeks praying for Eddie to make it through, willing to bargain and give up on being with him if it meant he would live and he wouldn't have to bury another friend, he's now being presented with something he had all but given up on...

His eyes flutter closed at the touch to his face, wondering if he's fallen asleep in that damn chair and is dreaming all of this. But the press of the other man's lips are warm and real, the thrumming of the thread seeming to get louder at the contact. Rich leans into the kiss, adding more pressure to it as his hand goes to cup the back of Ed's head.

It took him a while to wake up to the situation, sure. But he's not shy about showing Eddie what he's thought about doing now that they're relatively on the same page. ]

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