respirations | ― open post.

(There is nothing but silence on Richie's end, no message returned because honestly what was the point?

He really highly considers driving off somewhere and getting totally fucked out of his mind, incredibly stoned or so damn drunk he near hits alcohol poisoning. He drives around well over an hour tossing the idea over in his mind.

Finally he comes to a resting stop in an old abandon parking lot, fingers gripped tight along the steering wheel. He waits a good few minutes before he falls apart, fist striking the steering wheel until flesh is torn and there is a good possibility he might have fractured fingers.

He screams until his throat hunts and continues punching until his hand goes numb.

He can't do this but he can't just leave Eddie either.

It sure is a fine time for his car to act like a fucking bitch, stalling a few good times before she decides to start. It's a wonder he didn't wreck or get pulled over at the speed he's going, still makes him late as all fuck.

Once on view, he spots Eddie waiting for him, arms wrapped tightly around himself. He nearly drives up on the side of the curb with how quick he pulls up.)

Shit, Eds I'm....(But he stops mid apology when he notices just how banged up the smaller boy is. Want to talk about triggering full on panic. )

Holy fuck! Holy shit, Eds are you fucking alright? (He's leaping out of the driver's seat in seconds, running around the car and to Eddie's side.)

Did someone fucking attack you?! (One protective Richie mode at your service.)

Let's get you into the fucking car.

( If asked, Eddie wouldn't say he was close to fucking crying about this shit but God this was just so frustrating. A part of him is tempted just to walk home before his mom reported him missing but just as he glances at his phone but just as he's gathering his bag, Eddie sees a familiar car pulling into the parking lot. He looks up, frowning but immediately worry bleeds into his features and his face as he notices the wounds on Richie's hands once he's out of the car. )

No one attacked me. ( He says quietly, quickly because he wants to kill that line of thought before it balloons in Richie's head more. ) What the fuck happened to you?

( He keeps trying to assess Richie's wound as the other boy ushers him into the car, Eddie sitting without a word and sighing. It's so familiar, safe and he knew Richie would worry because it's always been that way even before they were dating. Rich always worried about him not like how his mother worried but in his own softer way. It leaves him blushing, hiding it in the darkness of the car even as Richie gets back in the driver seat.

There's only a breath of a moment before he reaches out, grasping one of his hands and bringing it close to him with a frown. )

What the fuck, Rich. I ate shit at my meet during a run which like— I don't even want to talk about how badly I just fucked up my chances of getting a scholarship. What the fuck did you do.

(Richie is just as frustrated, he thought he had screamed or beat it all out but the feeling still lingered within the pit of his stomach. He just kept fucking up everything with Eddie, he hadn't meant to be so late but he knew this made him look like a piece of shit, that he didn't care about Eddie and their much needed conversation wasn't important. That isn't true, he's trying his best to keep his shit together.

He doesn't like getting emotional infront of Eddie.

Richie isn't a fighter but he will pound some ass if he knows someone has hurt Eddie. He isn't going to let some mullet wearing cock sucker beat on the boy he's in love with. Full out foolish of Richie but no one fucking harms Eddie Kaspbrak, fucking no one. Broken eyes are already scanning over the injuries as Eddie talks, an arm moves to wrap around Ed's tiny waist to offer support for his injured ankle. )

Goddamn car fucking stalled again. (He hisses into the night, avoiding the concern over his banged up hand.) I would have been here much sooner if the car wasn't such a bitch.

(While Eddie explains where his own injuries had happened, Richie can feel his stomach twist within tight knots, his skin growing pale within the dark. Eddie had been training for this meet for months, he had been so excited about it. Shit, could Richie fuck up more of the other boy's life? He turns his head away, the guilt already sinking in as he sits in silence.

He's going to be sick. Christ, he fucked up Eddie's big chance to get the hell out of this shit town.)

It's nothin. (He lies while pulling his damaged hand away from Eddie and resting it within his own lap. )

Maybe I should take you to the hospital? Get you checked out.

Yeah, well— at least you're here.

( He says quietly, frowning and idly pulling at the ace wrap covering his ankle as Eddie pulls his leg up. Pointedly Eddie tries to ignore the feel that ignites inside him when Richie's arm wraps around his waist so he focuses instead on the other's bruised and bloody hands with a huff. Carefully he reaches forward, opening the glovebox and removing the small first aid kit that he had hidden away in there. )

Give me your hand. ( He says, his own hand held out but is more than willing to grab one of Richie's hands if he doesn't offer it up. Quietly he works, ripping open a small alcohol wipe and starts to clean his knuckles. ) And, no. We're not going to the fucking hospital.

( It's said with almost a hiss of angry but not toward Richie but rather just the general thought of having to go to the hospital. )

If I wanted to go then I'd have had my mom come and pick me up.

(It doesn't take a genius to notice the discomfort on Eddie's face, the way he keeps fooling with the injured ankle. He's in pain, Richie knows he needs some type of medical attention or his mom will flip her shit. She'll place the blame on Richie none the less, always corrupting her precious baby boy.

Fuck, if all she knew. Richie had claimed Eddie's virginity just weeks ago. In the back seat of his this very car. )

I told you my hand was fine.(He mutters but Eddie is already at work, he's extremely good at all of this first aid stuff. Richie squirms in his seat, eyes fully focused on the way Eddie cleans him up but the gentle rubbing doesn't stop him from yanking his hand back, a series of curses words spilling from his lips.

His knuckles are on fire as the alcohol sinks into open cuts.)

Fine.

(He replies lowly as he nurses his burning hand by keeping it close to his chest.)

( Honestly the only reason his mom isn't blowing up his phone right now is because Eddie had begged his couch not to call her. She probably also wouldn't even consider Richie considering she has gleefully noticed his absence in her son's life over these last two weeks and more so her son's less than pleased mood whenever the other boy was brought up.

Eddie doesn't even want to think about the sort of shit they got up to in this car. He certainly doesn't want to think of her reaction (if she even lived long enough) if she ever found out he had lost his virginity to the other boy in the backseat of his car. So caught up in his thoughts he doesn't notice Richie's reaction until he's ripped his hand away. )

Just— just fucking stop and let me help for you for once. ( He says with a glare but it's weak and honestly? Eddie just looks fucking sad. ) Why even show up looking like this if you didn't want me to do something? You know how I'd react if I saw you fucking hurt like this, Richie!

(Richie can't say the same about his own parents because they are never around. He's pretty damn sure that they hardly notice anything about him, that alone what's going on in his life. He's willing to bet good money that he'll get a good scorning once they are notified that he's been absent from all his classes, fuck it.

How would react if they found out that he were gay? That he's been letting Eddie stay the night with him while they are a way and that he's actually had sex. He doubts they even notice he's at the age of being both sexually curious and active. He's been fooling around with Eddie close to a year now and well one night they finally went all the way.

Richie turns his head from the shouting, his eyes peering out the window. He isn't about to let Eddie see him blink back a few tears, more frustration twisting along his face.)

You're fucking hurt too, Eddie!

( He breathes in a sharp breath of air before raising his hands, rubbing the heels of his hands against his eyes and giving a shaky sound. He has to take a few needy breaths of air before he starts fucking crying right here in front of Richie when he's been trying so hard to keep a straight face because he wants so bad just to fix everything but realizing that it just isn't that simple anymore. )

It's just a sprained ankle and at least I'm bandaged up! Never mind, just— fucking never mind! I'll walk home. ( He says, fumbling for the door handle and pushing the door open. )

(Shit! Now he's actually made Eddie give into his emotions, shattered through those built up walls and has brought Eddie to actual tears. God, he's such a terrible boyfriend, best friend or whatever the hell he is right now. If he's anything to Eddie at all any more at this point. )

You're still fucking hurt, Eddie and its my fucking fault! (He basically shouts back but his own voice cracks from all the pain he's been carrying in his heart these past two weeks, he's fucking falling apart and he hates it.

He misses Eddie terribly and he's terrified he's lost him. )

Fucking stop it! (His hand goes out to reach for the door so that he can close it and keep Eddie inside.)

Your— you think this is your fault? Get over yourself, Richie. I fucking fell which has nothing to do with you! ( Once again, he just can't help the way his own voice cracks which says nothing about the burn of tears in his eyes. The last thing Eddie wants to do is fucking cry in front of Richie yet here he is doing just that. ) You're such an idiot—

( The sound he makes is just defeated and he falls back into the passenger seat with a wet hiccup sound. He hates crying and he especially hates crying in front of Richie but here they are with his gaze focused on discarded first-aid kit in his lap as if it had all the answers in the world. )

(Richie's face drops at Eddie's harsh words. Sure the other boy has called him plenty of names but none of them compare to the anger and hurt put behind this time. Idiot? Shit, it isn't even that serious but it rips Richie a part regardless. He turns his gaze away from Eddie, trembling hands stumble to start his car but finally he gets her up and going.

He remains silent as he begins to drive towards Eddie's house, it's best he doesn't say a word due to the possibility of either breaking down or spouting off something he'll regret later.

After all he is just an idiot. )

( His whole form is trembling as Richie finally gets the car startled but its less to do with his anger but rather his full-on attempt not to break down sobbing right now. Eddie sits, quiet and bites at his lip until he's sure he tastes blood before he realizes just where they're going. It's when they hit a stop sign that he looks over, eyes narrowed but not in anger definitely more... well, sad. )

I'm not getting out of this fucking car until you let me fix your hands. ( He says sniffling and arranging everything in his lap. ) And if you tell me it's fine or that I don't have to worry then I'm getting out of this car for real.

(It's a surprise that Richie is even able to function behind a vehicle with the way his body is shaking from this whole incident. Richie is pretty use to Eddie's tantrums and has grown to handle when Eds gets upset or in this case furious. Only this is a different kind of anger and they both had crossed over the line of just "best friends." They had sex with each other for Christ sake. )

I don't need you fucking looking at my goddamn hands.

(His own words are tight but his voice quivers with each spoken. Moments ago he had wanted nothing more but for the two of them to just talk, work things out and get back to normal.

Odviously that wasn't an option.)

( It's enough to get Eddie locking up with a wide-eyed look at Richie. Yeah, sure, they've bickered and shot insults at one another but never with so much hate behind it. He considers just shutting up and letting Richie finish driving him home but they were supposed to 'talk' and figure this shit out but maybe there wasn't any figuring this out. Maybe they've crossed a line they can't step back over anymore.

So with a harsh sound akin to his lungs locking up, he shoves the kit off his lap and pushes the car door open without another word. Eddie doesn't give Richie the chance to stop him before he undoes his seatbelt and limps off into the dark of Derry's neighboring sidewalks. It only takes a moment for him to bite back another sound, his lungs burning as he tries to breathe and not sob at the same time.

Eddie knows he'll regret it but his limping walk soon turns into a paced sprint and then a full run toward the Barrens. Fuck this town, fuck the people and everything else here. )

(Richie wants this relationship or whatever this is that has sparked between them to work. They both deserve that much, especially after the summer of dealing with a children eating clown that lurked within the sewers of Derry. He thought that was something Eddie had wanted too but like everything good in his life Richie fucked up.

Maybe it was best they went seperate ways now before anything go too serious between them?

The sound of his car door being flung open pulls Richie back to reality. In a blink of an eye Eddie is exiting a fucking moving vehicle and suddenly running towards the place they both know best.)

Goddamnit Eddie!

(He's frustrated, hurt and angry, raging emotions don't stop him from speeding up his car so that he can find a decent parking spot. Then Richie is also rushing into the darkness, desperately trying to catch the other boy and his damn skinny running legs. )

Eddie? You better fucking stop you little fucking asshole! (His voice echoes within the night and after a moment Richie's running faulters into a small jog, certain scenery sure does look different at night, the moonlight only reflecting on certain spots.

It's eerie, unsettling.

The same feeling he suffered with that fucking clown.)

E-Eddie?

(He comes to a complete stop, the sound of night life feeling his ears while he struggles to focus his eyesight within the dark. )

( He's almost grateful for his sprained ankle because the pain makes blood pound in his ears and its easy to ignore when Richie yells out to him. It spurs Eddie to run, run, run into the darkness until there's nothing but darkness around him. He isn't afraid though because if there is anything that Eddie prides himself in its his sense of direction, he never gets lost and he'd never be lost— well, physically. Mentally and emotionally is a another thing entirely.

Without a lot of thought he ends up at the clubhouse with tears in his eyes both from the heartache and the pain burning through his leg. He hobbles forward and pulls the hatch open before descending down the ladder until he can collapse in one of the comfortable bean bags they managed to find and drag here. It takes a little work but he manages to get the lights on too which amounts to a few candles and old oil lamps.

It's cold down here but he ignores it and pulls his legs to his chest. Even in the dark, the light filtering through the hatch should be noticeable but Eddie can't even bring himself to care. )

(It takes Richie a moment to regain his composure, his nerves are on the frits and now sounds like a really good time to say fuck it. Only he doesn't, he takes a few small breathes before trudging onward to find his run away ex. A few more minutes pass until Richie catches sight of small light in the distance. Of course Eddie would run straight to the clubhouse, where else would he escape?

With a frustrated sigh Richie stomps towards his destination. In the back of his mind he can't help but think what if this light isn't really from Eddie and instead from a on the loose serial killer, just his luck. He moves to pull the hatch open with damaged hands, eyes narrowing down at the ladder. )

That better be you fucking down there Eddie or so fucking help me I swear to God! (He hisses as he lowers himself down, the climb only worsen the ache in his torn knuckles. His feet touches ground and a few feet away from him sits Eddie. His eyes narrow once again, his face damp from tears and slightly flushed from the night wind.)

Are you fucking insane?!

( For a long moment Eddie doesn't respond even when Richie climbs down the ladder and confronts him. He just stares forward torn between looking in anger or like a corner wounded animal waiting for the kill but he finally manages to push himself up with a hobble, teeth bared. )

Fucking probably and it's all your goddamn fault! You say you want to talk but when I try you push me out. When I try to help, you push me away and you've always fucking been like this. ( They all had their secrets, sure but he figure the two of them were past this especially after he bared his fucking soul to Richie and showed him more than enough trust to give him his virginity. ) You're just so—

( He sniffles but whether its out of pain, anger or just the overwhelming heartache is hard to tell. )

I love you so much but how can I trust you when you won't let me in? When you won't tell me anything.

( There. He said it, its out now and he can't take it back but Eddie doesn't want to take it back. It's the truth, one of the few truths he's felt like they've both said in these two weeks. )

(Richie can handle a good argument when he needs too, mostly because he never shuts the fuck up but that didn't mean he enjoyed fighting like this with Eddie. He's prepared for all the screaming and words that they both will regret later, his busted hands now in balled up into fist by his sides. )

Everything is my fucking fault, huh? Because I'm a fucking idiot. (He tosses Eddie's harsh words right back, his voice still a quivering mess as he shouts. He wasn't hiding anything from Eddie so he doesn't understand where all these trust issues are sprouting from. He's been nothing but open and honest, he thought he had proven that much. )

I'm just so what? (He demands in anger, voice cracking while keeping a harsh gaze upon Eddie.)

What do you want me to tell you, Eddie? That I fucking cheated on you when I didn't? That I fucked the shit out of someone else when it isn't true? (He lets his head drop, defeated and hurt by these accusations.)

Do you honestly believe I would hurt you like that? After everything? Eddie you mean the fucking world to me.

At this point, I'm pretty sure that I'm the idiot here because instead of just giving up— I keep fucking going back and forth into this. ( He says with a bite in his words, angering chopping his hand through the air but its clear he's deflated quite a lot though that might just be because of the pain. ) You're just so much. I feel like you've always cared so much about me, my problems and we always never talk about you. You don't fucking let me in.

( He huffs out of a sound but its clear he's just trying not to cry again. ) You still went to that party though after I told you that I wasn't comfortable with you going. You went behind my back and then those pictures and everybody fucking talking...

( It's said with another huff of air before he stumbles back slightly, taking weight off his leg and shaking his head. )

And then you just up and fucking vanished like you were running away. I told you, I love you and I don't want to fucking believe that shit but we keep fighting at every turn.

So much? (There is a bite of anger in his own words but that doesn't cover the thick layer of hurt.) You fucking knew that going in, Eddie. I don't fucking hold back shit, you know that too. (He doesn't understand what Eddie really wants from him and when it comes to Richie Tozier there isn't much to tell. He's the trashmouth kid of Derry who's hiding his sexuality from the world. ) What the fuck do you want to know about me?

(He closes his eyes once again, taking in another deep breath.) I know I shouldn't have went to that party but I wanted to check out my competition for the huge talent show, get an idea what I was up against but mostly everyone was either drunk or seriously fucking high.

(He moves towards the small cooler Mike found last Summer, thank the gods it still has the small ice pack. It will do wonders for Eddie's injured ankle. He begins to carefully wrap it in a pillow case before moving towards Eddie's sprain. )

And those pictures were nothing, Eddie. The girl was seriously stoned out of her mind and trying to make her boyfriend jealous. She didn't even notice what she was doing or how many times I pulled her off me.

(Poor home girl was a fucking wreck.)

You also know that I'm not....(He cuts himself off for a moment. His sexuality is still a struggling concept.) I don't like girls.....(He whispers more to himself.)

I'm really sorry all this fucking shit is happening.

It's not a bad thing, Rich. You're everything that I wish I was but there's so much that I don't understand. ( He murmurs carefully, quietly. He understands the anger though because that is all they've gave one another since all of this began but he's frankly at his wits end and can't bring himself to find a reason to be angry anymore. ) I just want to know you, Richie. I want you to let me care about you as deeply as you care about me.

( Eddie listens quietly and watches even more quietly as Richie moves about. The ice pack that's removed is met with a frown but he doesn't say anything as Richie wraps it in a pillow case and then approaches him. He doesn't move away this time and allows the other boy to actually get close to him without a negative reaction to the gesture, softening noticeably. )

I'm sorry too. Richie, I just... I don't know how— ( He frowns and looks away, embarrassed. )

I don't know how to be someone good to love. I don't think I know how to be someone capable of loving another person, you know— you know how fucked up shit is for me at home. I'm just afraid of losing you.

Don't say that, Eddie. (This would typically be where Richie would grin smug, brag about how he's amazing and has one hell of a dick but that old joke doesn't come spilling from his lips. Eddie is fucking perfect, at least he is in Richie's eyes.) I adore you, you're fucking perfect.

(Carefully he places the ice pack along Eddie's swollen ankle, gentle not to cause Eddie any more discomfort. Eddie is so much better at this whole first aid deal, he's damn fantastic at it. Richie can only hope that he's doing this right, he does remember that keeping the injured foot elevated helps. He wastes no time pulling over the other bean bag and gently lifting the hurt foot. )

You're not going to lose me, Eds. I care about you too much and I have a no return policy. (He starts buzzing around to find blankets, Eddie will freeze if he doesn't find warmth.)

And you're easy to love to me. That's all that fucking matters.

I'm not though. I should have just ignored all that shit and the pictures, I should have believed you but I just got so freaked out that I thought: Obviously, I did something to make this happen. It's my fault if Richie leaves and finds someone else because why wouldn't he? Who wants someone so messed up as me?

( He moves to sit back down as Richie applies the ice pack on his ankle. The hiss of pain isn't so much from where the other is touching his leg but finally everything catching up to him after his stupid ass had to run through the fucking Barrens. There's a smile on his lips as he maneuvers another bean bag over so his ankle can be elevated and almost laughs but ultimately reaches up to catch Richie's wrist, drawing him closer. )

I really do love you, Richie. That's the one thing that always made sense to me is how much I love you.

I shouldn't have went behind your back in the first place. I guess that does make me look pretty shitty in the whole situation. (No wonder Eddie assumed he was lying about the pictures, the whole party in general. Richie had been an idiot, he was thinking of himself in that moment and by doing so he sacrificed the trust Eddie had given him, soiled their relationship.) I do. (It's a raw and honest answer. One spoken from deep within Richie's heart.) You're all I want. I can't fucking stop thinking about you, Eds. It drives me crazy sometimes. I'm surprised my dick isn't raw from all the beating off.

(It's pathetic.

He makes a soft noise as Eddie captures his wrist, his body moving along with the soft tug.)

I love you too, Eddie. So damn much.

― open post.

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