respirations | ― open post.

❪ eddie continues to hold tight onto his inhaler, staring off into the darkness of their room and listening to the sound of his breathing. there's a tight pressure on his chest that leaves him near breathless but he ignores it for now, reminds himself to take something for it and finally looks over to rich in the dark with huff. ❫

Shut up, Richie. Let me fucking apologize if I want to. ❪ how many times had this happened this week? he was starting to lose count.

whatever the case, he doesn't linger upright for long and follows rich further into his arms. he lays them back, eddie resting his head on rich's chest and idly listening to the sound of his heart beating. he tries to time his breathing with richie's own, calm himself down although his inhaler stays close. ❫

... It's going to fucking suck when you're gone.

[The bite back is expected, but it doesn't stop Richie's reaction in the dark. His eyebrows hit his hairline, maybe months ago he'd tell him to suck it up but now he knows better. Rich knows how frustrating it is to have your own thoughts betray you, so if it means biting back a quip to help him settle down it's worth it.

With Eddie in his arms, it's all too easy to feel his energy and the fear that was running through him was breaking his heart. Richie didn't want to leave if it meant asthma attacks in the middle of the night and tortured dreams.]

You don't have to stay. Come with me.

❪ he curls his fingers against the fabric of rich's shirt, breathing tiredly but slowly coming down from the adrenaline rush brought up when waking. it helps, he finds, to simply take it what he can about richie— his voice, his scent and just little nonsensical things. it helps though and after a quiet moment the shudders of fear have mostly settled down. ❫

Don't think I've earned enough vacation time at work yet. Don't think they'd go for the excuse of me needing to be with you because I have shitty dreams either.

❪ of course, it was more than just the bad dreams— the asthma and panic attacks were the second worst part. he hates having to push so much on rich but he really had become this light of safety for him turning these moments. ❫

And I guess medical hiatus is off the table.

[Los Angeles was way too fast paced to tolerate gaps in attendance unless you were freelance like Richie. Even then, he'd postponed dates for too long and couldn't get away with it another time. It would be a deal-breaker, for his manager, for his ongoing success. Even with the probono work he was doing to combat hate crimes in certain areas for certain venues, there are only so many days off a stand-up comic can take before he becomes irrelevant.]

I'll call you every night, morning, and break and I'll keep my phone charged so you can get me if you need to.

[It fucking destroyed him to have to leave Eddie, but it was only a week of travel and then one red-eye back home. They could pick up their life after that and collapse back into the old routine. Even though he'd entertained the idea of melatonin and meditation before sleep, what they'd been through beneath Derry didn't really qualify as a normal post-traumatic stress situation. There was no forgetting it, not now after losing Stan and almost losing each other, not ever.]

Probably not the best idea when I just got cleared.

❪ it's not much different from his life in queens. his job just wasn't something that allowed gaps of absence like it would require if he wanted to stay with richie while he was away for his gigs. and, besides, it wasn't like eddie could very well explain the basis of his ptsd wasn't just the former hole in his fucking chest but because of a fucking alien clown that haunted him since childhood. ❫

I used to like time to myself. ❪ times when myra was away with her book club or on some day trip with her friends from work. ❫ Now it's just weird to think you won't be here.

❪ a part of him figures it might also be the fear of them just forgetting one another again. nothing has happened to suggest it would happen but can you really blame him? ❫

You don't have to work. I know that's- I get it, I do but maybe it'd help to just quit and spend some time off the clock for a while.

[It's not like Richie's salary couldn't support them both. He could more than makeup for the lack of funds by picking up some extra shows and cameos on different things. Whatever it took to keep Eddie happy, and not have to worry about coming home to him in an asthma attack.]

Yeah, I thought about that during recovery but I think I'll end up going stir crazy. ❪ he says with a slight shrug, tilting his head and resting his chin on rich's chest. ❫ And I don't look good enough in an apron to be a housewife.

❪ eddie joking? talk about miracles of the hour but at least he's smiling faintly as his breathing slowly levels out to his new normal stuttered sound. ❫

And maybe it'll be good for us? We've basically been stuck together this whole time. I don't want you thinking that I need you at my beck and call.

Don't sell yourself short, you'd make an exceptional trophy wife. Apron or no apron.

[At this juncture of their relationship, Rich doesn't even bother hiding the stupid ass grin on his face that accompanies the words. They'd been through too much to pull punches with each other and so long as the focus was positive he'd keep it that way. It's been nothing but good leaving Derry, despite the nightmares which can't really be helped.]

Who says I don't like being your beck and call bitch?

Richie Tozier's trophy wife... well, I suppose there are worst things to be. ❪ he says with a grin, idly reaching out and letting his finger drift across rich's cheek with a hum. ❫

I'm sure you've got some fucking weird kinks but I see how much you enjoy being up there on stage. I couldn't take you away from that again.

You have no idea.

[About the kinks, well obviously some idea but it's easier to make him wonder. Rich leans into the touch, this has been so perfect, part of him doesn't want to tour at all. It's true though, the show must go on.]

You're not taking anything away from me and you didn't the first time either. I chose to stay, I had a reason to. I still do. Stop bitching, I mean it- because if I had to do it again I fucking would. You're not some fucking burden, dude. You're worth every part of this and then some.

Do I want to ask?

❪ he says with a raise of his brow but ultimately smiles, rubbing his thumb against rich's cheek and listening with noted interest as he talks. eddie looks off briefly as if considering something but looks back with a sigh and nod.

although he's still a bit shaky pushing himself up but he's on his knees soon enough, leaning over to press a kiss against the other's brow and grinning again. ❫

I love you. You know that, right?

You should want to. Seeing as how you love me and all.

[It's going to be awful, being without him that much Richie is sure of. In the past several months he's gotten very used to sharing his bed and having the comfort of Eddie being there to come home to and to wake up with.

Rich sinks deeply into the kiss and cups his hand just behind Eddie's ear.]

I wouldn't go if I didn't have to.

Then tell me something you want to do that I don't know.

❪ it will be hard, he knows. richie has been a constant throughout this entire process from his initial surgeries, recovery, divorce and literally moving across the country just so he could be with him. that's how he wants it to stay, if possible and it is possible just with little absences in the middle of it all. ❫

Yeah, I know. You need to go though.

[Wow, Eddie's opening up a huge avenue of things Richie's not really shared with him because of how fragile things had been. It wasn't that their moments of intimacy weren't enough for him, because they were and then some. It was groundbreaking stuff, things he'd never let himself have but always desperately wanted.

Richie laces his fingers with Eddie's and sighs, not really sure how to breach it. No fear of judgment, but the worry of upsetting him or something similar.]

Actually, I kind of like the idea of you topping.

[It's not really all that strange, Richie spent so much of his life letting Eddie tend to injuries or make him feel better when his world was spinning out when they were kids. Just about the only person in the world that Rich was okay with being weak around.]

Need is a strong word. I meant what I said about the calls.

❪ getting the all clear from his doctors, getting out of maine and off the east coast has done a lot for eddie's confidence despite the nightmares. he doesn't put himself down and tries to push topics that might have been avoided before for one reason or another. it's why he sits and listens, letting their fingers lace together. ❫

I wouldn't mind giving it a try if it's something you want.

❪ something to keep in mind, anyway especially since he's come a long way from his recovery. ❫

It's just a word though, and I'll be looking forward to them. If I can't see you then I at least want to hear your voice.

I don't think you're going to need to do much trying.

[Eddie might make some self-deprecating comments about himself but when push comes to shove he's always been a natural at the things he's convinced he'll fail at. This was basic stuff, and Richie's sure in the heat of the moment that passion will take over.]

You're up now, aren't you?

[Richie will absolutely call him, they have a couple of days before he has to take off but he won't forget. His phone will stay charged and on him at all times. No way he'll miss anything, not after they've come so far.

Richie places a soft kiss to Eddie's lips then, smiles against his mouth before pulling back. He's not sure either of them have any hope for getting back to bed for a while yet.]

Maybe not. ❪ he says idly kissing at the hand he holds, humming slightly. ❫

We are both, in fact, up once more at an unbelievable hour.

❪ it's a shame his nightmare didn't stick to a regular schedule but he can deal with it just like he'll deal with richie being gone. like he said, they'll have their phones and if he had to fall asleep listening to him talk then he'd do it. eddie knows too that rich means what he says and that, in its own way, eases his mind.

he nevertheless smiles into the kiss and moves in close to return it as richie pulls back, capturing his lips in another soft kiss. they probably need their sleep but... oh, well. ❫

[Richie languishes comfortably in Eddie's arms, moving to be that much closer to him. The nightmares might have been recurring but Richie knew what it was like, and had more than once since they began this woke up to Eddie hugging him from behind with reassuring hands smoothing out his hair. Even in the less fitful dreams, Richie had always mumbled and talked in his sleep and Eddie had taken care of him then just like now. The difference was now they had nothing to be discreet about, nothing to be ashamed of.

Richie returns the kiss, sweetly at first, but then with a little more heat. It's impossible not to think about how much he'll miss him when he's away. Their honeymoon phase hadn't really slowed down. If anything it picked up when Eddie was clear and through the worst of recovery. Now it all seemed like some horrible memory, piercing through and ruining perfectly good nights of sleep.

After a few minutes of playful, but passionately chasing Eddie's lips he pulls away. A soft look on his features.]

It's not that unbelievable. We can watch the sunrise and I can pretend to like helping you in the garden.

❪ eddie can't help all but melting into the kiss with a loving sigh. he wants so much to be reasonable about this but god, he is going to miss the hell out of rich. call it being hit with twenty-seven years worth of that missing ache at once and one that hasn't completely eased away despite that they had been inseparable since the end of their nightmare in derry.

he moves to lay back down as they kiss, breathing out a happy sound as they part and smiling upwards at rich as he speaks. ❫

How fucking romantic of you, Rich. ❪ he says chuckling but he brings his hand over, idly kissing his palm. ❫ I'd like that though-- watching the sunrise with you.

Romance is my middle name. That's why they call me Richie "Romance," Tozier.

[The sarcasm is deadpan there, but he returns the gesture of affection by leaning forward to press a kiss to Eddie's cheek. The scar there was barely visible anymore. A small knick at most, Eddie's treatment of it had made it vanish almost completely.]

We can do that, but we still have a couple of hours to kill. What's the plan?

[Richie still fully intended to take a mid-afternoon nap if he could get away with it. but that was a plan for later in the day, maybe after getting some sun in the yard. Maybe if Eddie wasn't too tired later on he could convince him to join outside too. His house had a pool for a reason.]

Your mother had terrible taste in fucking middle names then.

❪ he has to laugh actually enjoying himself in the moment. after all, he deserved the simple things like laughing at your boyfriend's dumb fucking sarcasm. by the time rich kisses his cheek (a gesture that has him grinning a dopey smile), he's quieted down and returns to lazing half atop richie. ❫

Well we could always watch a movie or whatever dumb infomercials are on. Always continue our talk from earlier too. Might figure out some new shit about each other.

[The smile he gives him in response to the comment about his mom is telling, there's a wealth of shit he could say in response. Sometimes sensoring himself paid off because he could that silence to steal more moments with Eddie, which he does, kissing just under his jaw to follow the soft peck to his cheek.]

The only infomercials on are going to be sex hotlines and viagra. I know first hand. So, be my guest. This time it's your turn.

[As interesting as his kinks could be he's much more curious about Eddie's and finding some sort of way to facilitate it. It's not like they ever bridged this gap. The closest they got as kids was the bridge or nights up talking about dreams that never happened.]

❪ the smile is telling and hell, he gets it. his own mom wasn't a gift to anyone and his dad had died when he was so young that the only thing eddie finds he remembers is the smell of the cologne that he wore. neither of them weren't exactly blessed with the best family situation but, in the end, they at least had each other. ❫

My turn then. ❪ he repeats as he presses a kiss to richie's brow after the other ducks to kiss his jaw. ❫

I guess I'm sort of curious what it would be like if you tied my hands up. I like touching you so I'm sure it would probably drive me fucking insane. None of that Fifty Shades shit though but, you know, something basic.

[This was nice, it wasn't doing anything exactly but talking about it and actually discussing desires was a good step in the right direction for them. It's been so touch and go for so long, slipping into the routine was a safe haven and so they never explored each other in the way most lovers did.]

I have no problem tying you up, blindfolding you. I won't go full sex dungeon but we can start small and work up from there.

Anything else I should know you devious little shit?

[The way the last few words roll of his tongue in a purr are meant more chiding than anything else, but his hand does find Eddie's fingers looping through his in a gesture of support.]

❪ it was surprisingly nice for a change. eddie rather likes these moments where they can just be themselves with each other, open up and give everything away. he trusts rich, after all. trusts him with his life and definitely trusts him here as well, especially when he is the only person eddie has ever truly let his guard down for.

he shoots rich a playful look at his words, grinning but he takes his hand and sighs. ❫

Riding you like that, tied up and blindfolded, I think I'd really like that. ❪ he says as his free hand snakes its way underneath rich's shirt and coming to rest against warm skin. ❫ Or, you know, maybe... you finishing on my face.

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